I guess what they say is true: There’s SOOOO much money in events. Despite having all that area rear of O&A overlooking town, not to mention multiple ‘regions’ in Piadina able to separate, the Hotel SLO/Region folks have taken over Mestiza exclusively for events. I guess there just can’t be enough spots for Orange County to come up here and get married. Nice to see this spot occupied, though. Cur-sed location????? Remember THO? Remember Mestiza?

I’ve left you alone for a few weeks from a smashburger rant, but the genre still–to me–is fascinating. And get outa here with your cheeseburger. A smashburger IS a cheeseburger, but a cheeseburger is NOT a smashburger. There are some HORRIBLE renditions of “smashburgers” out there on menus which are FABULOUS CHEESEBURGERS but stop calling them smashburgers ferchrissake. Kreuzberg is a fine example. The menu states “made in a smashburger style” and out comes a big fluffy tall stuffed cheeseburger of classic diner proportions. It really is lovely, but it’s not a smashburger. I’m not pickin on poor-but-sexy: there are DOZENS of you out there serving a beautiful lettuce/tomato/onion situation under the banner of smashburger. Humdinger‘s another one. And Sally Loo’s WAAAAAY out there. Stop it. So where are the true smashburgers? I know you love lists, so here you go:
#1 The Olde Alehouse Los Osos. Absolute perfection from Chef Mercurio here top-to-bottom. With Mutiny gone, top spot has to go here. Hell, I might actually like this better than Mutiny.
#2 Rod & Hammer Rock and a special nod to Chef Glass’ insistence on classic preparation: raw onion integration INTO the patty on the flattop, instead of *grilled onions* added at assembly. Being a much larger restaurant with multiple cooks, this burger *can* suffer a bit on consistency (I’ve had it four times), but it will ALWAYS be an ooey-gooey muss you will lick off the plate.
#3 FIRESTONE WALKER BREWING and another perfect example and number three because it just felt vague in the mouth. There’s a flavor-explosion-and-integration thing here just not clickin.
#4 FRIED & LOADED and their $9.99 Smashburger meal all week. You can’t even go to fucking McDonald’s for 10 bucks anymore. Comes with tots or fries. WARNING: they put shredded iceberg AND A TOMATO in it. If you want the absolute experience, ask for it without. It’s rather perfect otherwise.
#5 Bear City Social and Chef Behrens puts a *hand* of butter lettuce in there and the patty is a bit thick–there’s no lace-doily edges quite like the four above–but I wanted to give you a full five and this one pulls in fine.
People less picky than me about definition will immediately start screaming YOU CAN PUT WHATEVER YOU WANT ON A SMASHBURGER!!! Yes, yes you can. Just like you can put anything you want in a tortilla and call it a taco. Or you can make vegetarian pho. Or you can put tri-tip and white sauce and broccoli on pizza. You get the idea.

Cameron Ingalls is out as chef at PICO Los Alamos and down the street Full of Life Flatbread celebrated TWENTY YEARS. What if I told you I had NEVER EATEN at Full of Life Flatbread?!?!? I just haven’t! It’s not exactly accidental OR intentional, and I’ve driven by a million times and paused and *meant* to go hundreds more. Credibility destroyed, I know, but it just doesn’t look good. That’s the straight-up truth. It just doesn’t look good. Or sound good. And the last time I convinced myself to go somehwere everyone raved about down there which didn’t look good was Industrial Eats, which turned out to be even less mediocre than I imagined. There’s way too many GOOD restaurants in SYV. With wine glasses. And don’t lecture me about Europe.

Speaking of walking out of places which don’t look good, my FOURTH visit to Central Coast Brewing and I FINALLY forced myself to sit down. All because a follower told me they had the best french fries in the county–and you know I couldn’t resist THAT. This place is just so cold and expansive and unfriendly I could never commit before. Sitting at the bar is kind of an awkward we’ll-get-to-you-sometime situation (you’re better off waiting in line and then sitting at bar) but eventually some help drifted down and I got an excellent pilsner and a basket of their chippys. 3/8 X 3/8, clearly par-cooked, nice bubbly skin on a not-hollow core of steaming potato. They come with seasoning salt–something I am dearly allergic to but the person recommending insisted it is not too much. He was right. There is no glaring red dusting of Lawry’s but merely a whisp of onion powder and parsley titillating the nose. Nicely done. I still say the rosemary fries at Streetside Alehouse are the best, but maybe I need a revisit. The shoestrings at STAXXX are also better.

Another Hawaiian BBQ coming to town. That makes TWO in SLO? One in AG… two in SM… closest you’ll get in Paso is Korean. Over in the little center behind Fire Station #1 where Round Table and Oki Kohi is. Hawaiian BBQ always sounds way better on the menu than it does in its styrofoam clamshell. And cold macaroni salad on hot pork makes me all kinda oogy inside. Down on the revolving-door resty scenario which is Chorro Street, Moe’s Mediterranean keeps pushing off an opening date further and further. And in case you missed it LAST WEEK, 15 Degrees C is opening “very soon” down on So. Broad. And they will have food. The original location remains papered, as does Lure Fish House, the Baby Dudes annex, Jimmies Pub, Scout Coffee in Morro Bay, and several Duncan Alley spots–though EL LUGAR has officially become the first to open there. Village Host closed. Finally. Yeah I built that from the Pizza Hut and they stiffed me 30 grand so no tears here. They were from Corcoran: Bruce something and his dad. Steve Kalar was the designer. Had a grand opening, declared bankrupcy and closed for a week, re-organized the corporation and re-opened. Been open ever since. What if I told you when I took the job over there were two guys living in the tower doing tattoos. Remember the one in Paso? Upstairs by the theatre? Speaking of cur-sed locations: how many things has THAT been? But the SLO location definitely is a great spot. Been slingin mediocre pizza and salad there what… 15 years?!? Sure be fun to see a real resty go in there… mid-town is so ripe for it.

Over in REAL BBQ land, Los Morros in Morro Bay has been open a month or so and finally got in. Despite my early predictions from studying their menu, THEY HAVE BRISKET. It’s not sliced like G Bros or Rod & Hammer–but it’s also not ‘pulled/shredded’ like Jeffrey’s or 3 Fat Guys. Rather, it’s hand-separated in those amazing string-cheese layers brisket does when left to its own accord. It’s nice. However, they drench it in sauce. WHY. Why on earth would you baste brisket with BBQ sauce. You don’t put ketchup on my fries, so why this? The ribs were coated too–which I’m perfectly OK with. The ribs literally fell off the bone and were the star of the show. 1/2 chicken–and THEY MEAN A HALF A CHICKEN–also drenched in BBQ sauce, another criminal thing to do when you have a full bird sitting there with that incredible crunchy, seasoned skin. Beans a multi-legume watery-peppery sweet-tanged perfection and the “garlic bread” turned out to be a single slice of un-toasted sourdough with garlic-butter spread on it. I got excited when I saw the slice of bread–because I like plain white bread with my BBQ–but closer inspection revealed it to be something entirely different. There’s a bunch of stuff on this menu I really want to try though… hamburgers and such. They put lettuce and sourcream and cheese on their “authentic Mexican tacos” but remember the demographic here! Don’t forget, these are the locals criticizing Roger Sharp’s business plan. So the next time you read “Fuck the locals”, remember: Main Street Morro Bay… BBQ sauce on brisket… lettuce and cheese on tacos… These are the people you’re defending.

Oh, and just to piss off stupid millennial-chicks everywhere and their “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE SUPPORTING THIS GUY” insistence of cancel-culture, I went to Tito’s Red Tacos. Duh. You can’t open a new taco spot without me going. I’m not supposed to go because you hate this guy? I review food–not men. Very nicely done: all house-made ingredients–including the tortillas–fabulous salsa, michelada base, chicharones and the tacos themselves fairly amazing. If you like quesabirria, yo gotta check this place out. Easily the best thing to ever occupy this forlorn corner of Pismo tourist-ville. There are four different fillings available for the Classic Red Taco in addition to the expected beef birria–ALL made in a quesa-style and served with consome. Can’t wait to go back and try a few other things on the menu. The whole concept is nicely packaged and perfectly articulated, and when they hand you your cute little box, you’ll understand “packaged”. Across the street, Taqueria El Guero has opened an expansive new place on the corner–their second location and people ask me all the time what I think about these tacos. Here’s the deal: I’ve had tacos off their TRUCKS numerous times and they are the real dealio. I ate at their downtown SLO location and found the tacos very… um… *modified* to fit the local demo. In other words, HUGE, over-stuffed, ridiculously massive and poorly-flavored ‘Poly-bro tacos’. Order ONE TACO and 5 extra tortillas: SERIOUSLY. Moreno’s Taqueria across the street still has the best, most authentic tacos in Pismo Beach. However, they are currently CLOSED while a transition between the now-retired proprietors and the new owners takes place. Let’s hope it stays the same.

Though nothing will probably ever take the place of Milanes Cuban in Morro Bay–and not just his Cubano, but the PAN con LECHON for the extra point–there’s a new sandwich in town: Rod & Hammer ran a special the other day and word is it will hit the menu permanently soon. This is the best Cubano I have had since Jorge closed several years ago and I have needed this void filled desperately. Done with smoked pork shoulder and ghost pepper Dijon, it reflects PERFECT ratios of protein, cheese & starch–something several local places get WRONG. Yes, I realize it’s on the wrong bread. No classic roll here: this is done ‘cheese-toasty’ style (that’s a fancy word for a grilled cheese sandwich) with sliced bread pressed down on the flat-top with the bacon press. The oily-toasty glaze is a perfect crust on the bread and gentle on the mouth-roof. I know I scream constantly about 90% of a Cubano (and banh-mi) being the BREAD, and this is technically flawed from that standpoint, but man-oh-man this sandwich reaches heights of perfection difficult to imagine. It’s hard to defend your crusty bolillo with 5 perfect panini-press burn marks on it after devouring this thing.

Now go take your bike over some sick jumps.