Starting down south and headed north out to the coast brings us to the The Village of Arroyo Grande and no shortage of burgers. There are SIX in basically 3 blocks just on the left side of the strip and at least one on the south. While the tried-and-true long-term diner classics pack a punch, the up-scale new kids at the east end polish nicely, and the brew-pub’s version of a smashburger is interesting, my nod has to go to Sidewalk Cafe and their tiny, made-in-front-of-you bright spot overlooking main street. I’m really looking for handmade ingredients in this list, and this thing screams it.

There’s only one sandwich in the *cheeseburger* class on this list (oh yes you KNOW that smashburger definition is coming!) and for that I have combed through the thousands of San Luis Obispo offerings. It’s a big town, and rightfully should have two spots, but that’s not the name of this list. From SLO Brew‘s smashburger (too many sesame seeds) to Wednesdays at Shaun’s Bear City Social (only open one day) to Todo Bueno upstairs at the market (basic brilliance) to Piadina‘s Kobe magnificence (easily second) and Kimberly’s on-again-off-again tower of beauty at Granada (KEEP IT ON THE MENU AND IT WINS EVERY TIME). If you follow me regularly, you know often my suggestions are out-of-the-way and *difficult* to get people out to. And here’s a textbook example: way up at the end of NoMo inside The Wayfarer sits SCHOOLYARD, a college-themed, often empty hotel resty with probably the only burger here which I eat every single last bit. It’s called The Leroy in honor of the hotel’s former owners and comes with crinkle-cuts to die for. Go up there and get it!

A smashburger is a cheeseburger but a cheeseburger is not a smashburger. And yes, I am a STICKLER for smashburger definitions. There are probably 3 dozen “Smashburgers” on menus across the county and ONLY 3 OR 4 OF THEM ARE ACTUAL SMASHBURGERS!!! Yes, I’m THAT strict, and you people serving big, plump patties with lettuce, tomato, cheddar, dill pickles and raw onion under the heading of SMASHBURGER need to go away. A smashburger is: potato, 2 WELL DONE, CRISPY lace doilies, American cheese, grilled onions, B&B pickles and some version of 1000 Islands. Period. End of conversation. You want textbook? Take a short drive out to Los Osos and The Old Alehouse where Chef Mercurio and his happy family staff dials it in to perfection and leaves no crumbs.

Absolutely NO ONE goes to The Galley for a hamburger. This is a FACT. Except a few of us. Universally regarded as the finest restaurant in Morro Bay, it sits overlooking the harbor and, naturally, has a focus on ridiculously good seafood served in an atmosphere of calm, professional serenity many of the other tourist-stops along the strand lack. It’s a grown-up restaurant where the host wears a tie, black-clad waitresses glide by in hushed tones, the winelist is French and Manhattans are stirred. Once you’ve worked your way through the menu a few times and get bored with seafood perfection, order the hamburger. This is THE best patty on this list: clearly hand-formed, a classic thickness, and deftly pink inside. The way Dog intended. Perfect flat-top oiling of the bun. Gorgeous accutrements. It comes *dry* so if that’s your deal, go for it, otherwise remember to ask for mayo if you require it (as I do). The ONLY hamburger on this list you can order with a bottle of Perrier-Laurent. And I HIGHLY recommend that pairing, because Champagne and French Fries is also as Dog intended.

Just a few clicks up the road lands you in a beach-side town I often say has only one restaurant. Boy does THAT piss people off. But it’s true. There used to be three, but with Cass House and Cafe Della Via closed, it leaves us with Lunada, a true gem in the memorable Hoppe’s Bistro victorian. Sure, there are a dozen other places in town which serve ‘food’, but… yeah, you get the idea. This is another grown-up resty, with table cloths, gracious service, and a beautiful winelist. My only complaint is I wish they stayed open non-stop–as the French say–as I am a classic late-luncher and if you get up there between 2 and 5 you’re outa luck. But get the hamburger. Boy oh boy: get the hamburger. California burger if bacon & avo is your thing; for me and my house: we shall serve the APPLE PIE BURGER. Yup, there is it. just like it sounds. And it works. But you won’t believe me until you try.

Stay tuned next week when I go on a tuna-fish quesadilla tour of SLO county.

@thatmcconnellguy