- Dutchie. Ground sirloin, flame-charred, no onion, fabulous accoutrements, perfect bun. Fries: 8/10
- Sammy J’s. Best meat of the group. REEKS of handmade MR brilliance. Fat and juicy. Statuesque and picturesque. MESSY. Only place in town with Pilsner. Fries: 7/10
- GAFCO. Stunning cross-hatch grill. Chunky housemade 1000 Islands, Gobs of gorgeous fresh pickles. No onion. Fries: 7/10
- Galley. Formerly #1. Crazy drop in quality & presentation in past year. Still doesn’t suck. Fries: 6/10
- Hungry Fisherman. Best brioche. Julienne razors of red onion. Ripest, darkest tomato I’ve ever seen on a hamburger. Perfect patty. Fries: 9/10 with a breath of Lawry’s
- Giovanni’s. Just like Galley, why do people sleep on this hamburger??? Somebody put a lot of thought into this burger and it shows. Basically perfection. Fries: 8/10
- Blue Sky. When you close your eyes and think: “Hamburger”, THIS is what arrives. Best view, amazing service. Fries: 6/10
- Morro Grill. Multiple burger options, of course only the classic used here. Really nicely done with the best wine/beer list of the bunch. Fries: 6/10
- Stax. The least traditional of this list and called a *smashburger*, though…. Dill pickle on side. Little to no Maillard. No sauce. Onions al dente. Seeded bun. Somehow still manages poise and crazy yumminess. FRIES: 10/10
- Carla’s. So perfect it’s kinda boring. The classic deli burger and beautifully petite. No onion. Fries: 7/10 with dusting of Lawry’s
- Bayside. Always feels so fresh. Can be had with alfalfa sprouts. Ridiculous wait-time. Bar-seating removed. Fries: 6/10
- Rose’s Landing. Basically a double smash with lettuce and tomato.. Some fundamental issues. Fries: 4/10
- Little Hut. Shockingly a much better burger than HH. Fries: 5/10
- House of JuJu. No real classic burger, but worldly variations. Get the trifecta sampler. Interesting. Fries: 2/10 country fries
- Harbor Hut. Somehow the sit-down version doesn’t work as well as the short-order example outside. Bland and weirdly assembled. Very disappointing from one of my favorite restaurants. Fries: 7/10
- Burger King. (Whopper or Whopper Jr.) Bright, fresh and lovely. The difference in level of service and atmosphere between this and McD’s across the street is shocking. Often the owner is behind the counter greeting and taking your order. They BRING you your food. Clean and beautiful. Free crowns. Fries: 7/10
- McDonald’s. (Quarter pounder deluxe no cheese) Basically a homeless shelter. No human interaction whatsoever. Filthy. Owner sits with laptop at hi-top near door and glares. Fries: 10/10
- Mosey’s. Had both classic smash and with lettuce & tomato. Tough to decide which is better. Disheveled is a word I keep coming back to. I get what they’re trying to accomplish here: cheap food for a ridiculously undiscerning demographic, and it works. Outdoor seating only. Fries: 0/10
- Foster’s Freeze. Sysco could literally serve this off the back of their truck for the same nickel, and you wouldn’t have to order outside, present ticket for food, get a restroom code, and sit in a freezing echo-chamber with boomer. I’ve been in mental institutions which were friendlier than this. Fries: 4/10
- Dorn’s. What they’ve done to this burger is criminal. On tough sourdough bread. Thick red onion. Saltless patty. Practically inedible. Fries: 3/10
DID NOT TRY: Tognazinni’s. Windows. Frankie & Lola’s. Hofbrau. Kickers. Siren.
ASTERISK: Bear City Social I have had several times in past years and is an incredible burger. Opening soon (kinda open now-ish with irregular hours and outdoor seating) in Manfredo Square but did not include on this list.
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