Oh sure: cruising up and down the metropolated 101 is fun, delving into the dizzying downtown dining districts of San Luis Obispo and Paso Robles is rewarding AND filling but taking a left on Santa Rosa and following State Route 1 towards the ocean slows things down a bit, concentrating a series of restaurants in sparse clumps along 50 minutes of beautiful driving. I’ve said for years ALL the best restaurants in SLOco are in Cambria–and we’ll GET there–but first a few stops. Actually, the most accurate way to see SLO Coast is to take a left on South Bay BLVD and head for the bottom end of the bay. So let’s just make this a BEST OF 2024 LIST for the beach-front highway without a whole lot of fluff or detailed dialogue. You just have to trust me. Print it out and make it your destination itinerary.

LOS OSOS/BAYWOOD:

Breakfast: CELIA’S for fresh orange juice and short stacks and bacon and fruit bowls and cottage cheese and over-easy toast dips with Tobasco and the gentle clink of thick coffee mugs and the ticket upside-down on your table.
Brunch: BAYSIDE for garden burgers and the county’s best fish & chips and BLTs and Brander sauv-blanc and sunshine and don’t worry about the wait–it’ll go fast.
Lunch: THE OLD ALEHOUSE for smashburgers and quesabirria grilled cheese and nachos and potato skins and live music and beer and people smiling for reasons only Los Osos can explain.
Dinner: MIRAZUR for wild mushroom pappardelle and rack of lamb and octopus and crudo and risotto and pork chops and great wine in a cozy room you’ll probably make friends in if you were the friendly type.

MORRO BAY:

Breakfast: LA PARISIENNE for baguettes and glazed croissant twists and caramel cookies and the best chocolate truffles you’ve ever had in your life in the top of that case over there and fruit tarts that look like glossy plastic museum pieces they’re so perfect.
Brunch: BLUE SKY for a hamburger and clam chowder or a club sandwich and country fries with the little onions and peppers browned into them inside the wind-free glass cage don’t sit anywhere else unless it’s raining.
Lunch: STAXXX for wine and cheese and filet crostinis and frito-bowls and wedge salad and people-watching spiked with honking and near-accidents by people jealous of you having cheese and wine.
Dinner: GALLEY for THE best seared scallops and crab cakes and seafood pasta and naked fish and mud pie and Perrier-Laurent for $60/bottle with the best sunset and a manager in a bow tie.

CAYUCOS:

Breakfast: HONEY GIRL for coffee and pastries and yogurt bowls and maybe a hotdog before noon because you’re a grown-up now and your mom didn’t come on this trip.
Brunch: HIDDEN KITCHEN for waffles with beans and corn on them. You think I’m kidding? Oh I laughed too–but you won’t be laughing long.
Lunch: the back of CAYUCOS GAS STATION for al pastor tacos to die for with fresh rojo picante that will make your scalp sweat with a Mexican Squirt in the twisted bottle and gas for $9/gal if you’re worried you can’t make it to the next town.
Dinner: LUNADA for a roasted artichoke and oysters and duck breast in cherry-port reduction and halibut and crispy salmon in the second-most famous dining room in the county with a bottle of Merlot because you can drink Merlot if you want to.

Which brings us to my favorite topic of all: CAMBRIA. Brace yourself.

Pregame: SANDY’S for the apple-carrot-ginger sludge made by stuffing a bunch of hangover-inhibitants in a vita-mix that makes a lot of noise right in front of your eyes.
Breakfast: FRENCH CORNER for coffee and cake and coffeecake and cake in your coffee if you want.
Brunch: WEST END for a bloody mary with the owners behind the bar and the Reuben untoasted and the sausage-sweet pepper open face and the best kettle-chips in the area and don’t ask for the Niner’s game.
Lunch: ROBIN’S for the lamb burrito and roasted beets and spinach salad and a bottle of Riesling and if you know, just say one word: CHOW and ask for “the window seat” and if someone beat you, get the one in the corner by the fireplace because you don’t have to sit outside with the hippies.
Postgame: MADELINE’S for wine and salade Nicoise and rillettes and confit and French onion soup and they’re GOING to show you the dinner menu and you’re gonna be tempted but stay strong! Just like Jesus, I’ve got a better plan for your life.
Pre-supper: BRYDGE over at the tip of East Village for olive oil potatoes and saffron shrimp and tiny meatballs and a fried egg and carrots with the tiny tops on and a FLIGHT OF BUTTERS you read that right.
Dinner: LE CHAT NOIR for quail and ravioli and boar sausage and scallops and cassoulet and more quail and the best winelist in town and then 4-chocolate cake from servers who will dote on you way past closing because you DESERVE a 3-hour meal.

SAN SIMEON: Oh you didn’t think I was going to go this far, huh? Dude! San Simeon is FUN, and has more than you expect–dining-wise.

Breakfast: SS BEACH BAR This is Day 4 and ya gotta work on Tuesday so face it: Bloody Mary’s and fried chicken with chips and waffles and maple syrup.
Lunch: SEBASTIANS for whatever you want–you’ve earned it. Cubano and macaroni salad with tomato bisque? Maybe some Hearst Ranch wine?
Dinner: CAVALIER for the warmest, homiest, best service you’re ever going to have this month from the woman who owns the place and shepherd’s pie and blackened swordfish and beef stroganoff with creme brulee and they’ll ask if you want coffee.

Now go hike up the ridge at San Simeon State Park ya fat lard.