Resty Gossip has been cancelled this week because there’s nothing interesting to talk about. So here’s your TOP-5 Smashburgers to fight about.

There’s about 8 of you out there who *get* it, and we all keep Smashburger Score (SS) according to the recipe. And we pray hard for the rest of you. When it comes to smashburgers, there are two kinds of people. Quite simply: Noun People and Verb People. The nouns believe there is a recipe which must be adhered to; the verbs only apply it to the treatment of the patty and anything else goes. (we’ll talk about Maillard in another episode). A perfect score is twin lace doilies with American cheese, scant seasoning, raw onions grilled in, bread & butter pickles and 1000 Islands on potato. That’s IT.

Just remember: A smashburger is a cheeseburger but a cheeseburger is not a smashburger.

#1 THE OLD ALEHOUSE Los Osos … Winning at the *lace doily* game, with the cheese, the bun, even the grilled onions. Number 1 and 2 are so close together in umami and texture and overall appeal, it is nearly impossible to pick a favorite. But just LOOK how different they look! Mutiny started this craze on the Central Coast–and what inspired my interest–but Alehouse is continuing on the standard.

#2 ROD & HAMMER ROCK San Luis Obispo … Textbook stuff and the plank fries with it are bomb. For those of you keeping SS: this would be *pressed-in onions* and *american cheese*. Consistency can vary a bit though, as this is a big kitchen with numerous cooks turning out lots of covers. But that ‘consistency’ varies along a minute scale from “absolute perfection holy shit where did that burger go?” to “OMG this is phenomenal but the last one might have been better?”

#3 SCHOOLYARD at The Wayfairer Hotel San Luis Obispo … Just order The Leroy. They don’t call it a smashburger, but there it is. This is my favorite burger on this list. But wait, McConnell! HOW can your favorite burger not be #1??!? Because I do what I want. And if you think about it any harder, you’ve already lost the concept. Go back to reading New Times. Oh… and the krinkle fries.

#4 THE SALTY BRIGADE KITCHEN Orcutt … Kinda outa left field: totally unknown and off the beaten path at the old Nissan dealership, whichis turning out to be quite the food-mecca. Fresh pickles, grilled onions, and lots of American.

#5 SLO DOGS HOT DOGS (food truck, unfortunately, check their schedule: very consistently at the truck-gathering in Los Osos though, like 3 or 4 days a week!) … The second burger on this list which does NOT call itself a smashburger. And trust me, I’d MUCH rather have this scenario than the opposite (keep reading down the list, they’re coming!) But when you read the description on the menu, you’re just like, THAT’S A SMASHBURGER!

#6 FIRESTONE WALKER TAPROOM Paso Robles … Nicely done. Kinda blearily-flavored and uninspiring.

OK and are you ready for the Lettuce Brigade?

First place one asterisk: BEAR CITY SOCIAL at The Kitchen Terminal San Luis Obispo (Wednesday only)

Second Place one asterisk: HUMDINGER BREWING Arroyo Grande … I feel like when Spencer first wrote this menu, they were using some other kind of cheese, and I think it was white. So this is a welcome change. To this day though, Spencer insists a proper smashburger has lettuce.

ARE YOU READY FOR THE LETTUCE & TOMATO CREW: (Jesus wept)

First place two asterisks: RAMBLING SPIRITS at SLO Public Market San Luis Obispo … Newest resty in town and this burger SLAYS, but hiding under those two flat, crusty slivers of perfection is shredded iceberg and a tomato slice. Also cheddar, but…. Nicely done for a big-house kitchen.

Second place two asterisks: FRIED & LOADED San Luis Obispo … I ordered this they way they offered it my first time but let me tell you: THIS right here would be in the top 5 if not for the lettuce and tomato. So order it that way if you’re a purist. You’ll see. Also this is the cheapest on the menu at less than HALF the price of some of those up there ^^^ Not a considering factor on the list though.

Third place two asterisks: THE BREAK Pismo Beach … Again, I have not been back to order it properly. Took it the first time as they made it. Single patty, maybe double cheese. Ridiculous good burger: just gotta lose the veggies to be higher on this list.

SALLY LOO’S and KREUZBERG CAFE are slotted in right here but I just can’t bring myself to include them because they have strayed SO FAR from the smashburger style–even though they BOTH call them that on the menu. Big huge stacked juicy burgers with fat MR patties and slabs of lettuce, onion, pickle and tomato: fabulous CHEESEBURGERS, but I can’t do it. The five above is as far as I go off the road.

#42 McDONALD’S … Gotta nod to the classic OG *not a smashburger* but kinda the flavor-profile everyone has in the back of their childhood mind. And half the price of Fried & Loaded’s.

#50 JACK IN THE BOX … And a brand-new menu item. Had to try it. I see what they’re trying for here, but kinda misses the mark.

#75 FIVE GUYS … Practically inedible

#100 COLONY MARKET Atascadero … Literally the worst thing I’ve ever put in my mouth. Do NOT–under any circumstances–order the “Smashburger Sliders” at Colony.